W E W I L L F I N D H I M !

A struggling He-Man was sighted on the northwest side of Tompkins Square Park the other day. He was wearing what we have all come to know as His “shirt”.

A past occurrence in which He sported the foreign cloth.

Shirtless, but still carrying a shirt.

THIS time He was seen wearing the shirt, but not of His choice. He was forced to because his upper body muscles went on strike.

Just left of center, keeping His guns confined until further notice.

No news has surfaced as to why the famous biceps are going dark, but many speculate that it has to do with His popularity, and not the muscle’s popularity. While this may seem ridiculous, it is true that the muscles make He-Man a household name. Perhaps this is a good move that can bring fairness to other parts of His body.

Although, His abs did not agree with the actions of his upper body.

“Everyone knows the muscles are the most important part of He-Man”, His enormous six pack said in a press statement. “We don’t need more money or our own blog, that’s just the way life is. We’re all working for Him. Personally, I feel lucky.”

No word has been said if the muscles will keep holding out or if they’re ready to talk.

Once a year, the Motion Picture Association of America has a screening with He-Man to see what He likes, dislikes, and what makes Him cry large tears of gasoline (yes he cries gasoline). We got the first word on His summer movie predictions from a fax sent by MPAA employee, Michael Fisher.

Note that while He-Man cannot safely express Himself in words (otherwise we would turn to sap), Michael Fisher has analyzed His recorded physical reactions.

“Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull”

FISHER: “This one was tough because it was immediately after He regained consciousness from the sedative we force fed Him. He was confused and furious, shouting phrases at the screen I couldn’t begin to understand. Although every time Shiah Labouf had a line, He sat quietly.”

FINAL CALL: Shia Labouf is gifted in a way past human comprehension.

“Iron Man”

Fisher: “He-Man was now fully relaxed when this film started. There have been rumors of He-Man being a huge fan of the Iron Man comic book, and his reaction confirmed. He remained calm for most of the film, although He started banging His head against his seat in delight when He saw the Captain America shield in the background. Many fans have said this hints at a Captain America movie. Apparently Captain America is He-Man’s favorite super hero and can’t wait for it to come out next year.”

Final Call: Didn’t seem to like it as much as He likes Shia Labouf, but He didn’t try to injure us when we replaced his feeding tube. That’s a good sign.

“What Happens in Vegas”

Fisher: “Here’s when things got bad. We never intended on actually showing Him the whole film, it was just a joke. But the opening credits was all it took. Once He saw Ashton Kutcher’s name followed by Cameron Diaz, He started punching His own teeth. Once his teeth became loose, he spit them out like bullets at an intense speed, splitting his chains with one shot each. With his chains free and a mouth full of loose teeth, He began shooting teeth into our researchers, causing wounds and even a few fatalities. We had no choice but to make a run for it. As we all dodged His rampage, He made his way to the projection booth. He didn’t hurt anyone else, but instead grabbed the “Vegas” reel and tore it to tiny, invisible bits. After it was completely destroyed, He looked around at the damaged laboratory and wounded researchers. He shook His head and mumbled, “What I did was bad. But what you were about to do to me is unspeakable.’

Final Call: I’ve never witnessed such careless violence from a subject. Be careful with this one.

He-Man’s movie reviews will continue soon after the San Diego Center for Entertainment Research is fully repaired.

Here are some sightings that lack picture proof:

MAY 8 - ARNOLD saw He-Man at the South Street Seaport examining a street magician. Using His X-Ray vision, He saw that the magician was keeping a dove up his sleeve. “There’s a dove up his sleeve,” He told the annoyed spectators. “I can see there’s a dove.”

MAY 9 - BRIDGIT spotted He-Man at an H&M on w34th street applying for a job. Apparently He was confident about his references: The North Star, Hecca (Creator of Mother Earth), and Pete (shift supervisor at Applebees).

MAY 10 - HOLLY caught He-Man near a construction site on 38th and 8th this morning. He waited for the workers’ lunch break and then completed the 40 story building singlehandedly before they made it back.

MAY 11 - ADAM saw He-Man at Penn Station during rush hour. He was walking very slow, and everyone was perfectly OK with that.

MAY 13 - ANGELINA watched He-Man shop for furniture in Union Square. He asked the salesman if a La-Z-Boy Loveseat would be able to resist the heat of the sun’s surface. A confused but desperate furniture salesman smiled and said, “Yes.”

MAY 15 - DOUG also saw He-Man in Union Square. He was carrying the carcass of a man dressed in a suit who had “decieved his last customer”.

If YOU have any sightings or pictures, send them to FindHeMan@Gmail.com

Last Saturday, as if in a direct response to near perfect BBQ weather and definitely perfect park-your-car-and-blast-Reggaeton-music-from-a-tricked-out-stereo-system weather, He-Man unveiled the latest addition to His arsenal: a muscle on his back, colloquially known as “The Dorsal Fist.”

On Park Ave, showing off His new discovery.

He-Man’s Dorsal Fist was first discovered by Deborah Wilkinson, a masseuse He visits biweekly to relieve the minor aches and pains associated with carrying the fate of humanity on one’s shoulders.

“I was working on this knot in His neck He got after rescuing a box of kittens from a meth lab explosion, and all of a sudden this muscle came out of nowhere,” Deborah recalls. “I tried to work around it, but it kept electrocuting my hands. I mean it’s cute now, but when it gets older no ones gonna put up with that shit.” She then apologized for swearing and getting so worked up.

Deborah brought the muscle to the attention of He-Man who, overjoyed, called up a couple of pals from His Mahjong circle. “They showed up twenty minutes later with all these cigars and champagne and balloons. I couldn’t get them to leave. They ate all the Dum-Dums in the reception area.”

The Deputy Director of the Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco, Firearms, and Explosives has requested in a public statement that He-Man register his Dorsal Fist with the state department because it is “potentially threatening”.

James Beecher, Deputy Director of the ATFE.

It should be noted that everything He-Man owns has been flagged by the state department as “potentially threatening”; from His empty Big Gulp [category: Dual-Purpose Medium-Caliber Ballistic Body] to His elastic hair tie [category: Low Grade Minor Impact Anti-Aircraft Projectile]. It should also be noted that the only thing He-Man has ever registered with the state department is a complaint that “you are treading on thin ice.”

Ever a man of the people, He-Man allowed a team of scientists to perform a vivisection while He read The Sunday Times in one sitting. Scientists discovered that the so-called Dorsal Fist excretes ‘Vehemen,’ a rare hormone that signals the brain to produce awe, reverence, and bowl-clearing fear in anyone within a ten-mile radius.

Not everyone is happy about the newest addition to He-Man’s team. “It’s unnatural,” Barry Horowitz of the Society for the Truth About He-Man argued. “The Laws of Physics state that matter can be neither created nor destroyed.” He-Fans are inclined to recall The Battle of Alpha Centauri in which He-Man had the Laws of Physics in a Tonga Death Grip for two hours before it cried ‘Uncle.’

by Todd Kuhl, FindHeMan’s Political Analyst

It is clear that the race for the Democratic nominee will come down the wire. Each of the candidates is doing their best to build support going into the Democratic National Convention in August. No matter what though, it looks to be a bitter and devise battle in Denver. The media has been a buzz with this issue of “super-delegates,” and how they will decide this nomination, but what about the lesser known and strategically more important “Super-Super-Delegate”? Also known to people around the world, as He-man.

His single voice can sway the mood of the entire party. And it seems, in the last week, that Hillary and Barack are finally realizing who they need to kiss up to. Even McCain is attempting to pull He-man to his side of the fence.

“I haven’t decided one way or the other,” says He-Man, when I caught up with Him on the lower east side, where He was ripping down cell-phone towers, “Even though I tend to vote Democratic, like all He-men have in the past, I’ve got my ears open to each of the candidates.”

Barack responded quickly after hearing this, promising to, “cut pollution and provide tax breaks for middle class families, both normal and He-families.”

Hillary also responded, urging He-Man to, “help her build a bridge to the 22^nd century with His He-wisdom and He-vision.”

And, in a misguided effort, John McCain offered, “His first born son, and a pile of gold,” if He-Man would denounce the democrats and join in His victory.

“You know he’s probably just saying that,” said He-Man on McCain. “I’d like to actually see him deliver on inauguration day and send me that first born son. But he won’t.” He laughed and added, “Politics.”

No matter whom He-Man finally endorses, it is clear that His concerns lie in His community. “I want to end homelessness and get subsidized public housing built on the tops of mountains, so that my people can have their place in this great society,” said He-Man.

An indecisive He-Man grumbled to himself, “I’m staying in this election season.” His enormous hand scratched his silken locks. “None of them support any of my policies, such as more laws promoting public shirtlessness.” He shook His head. “And the last president that waged war against Odin was Franklin Delano Roosevelt, and he was beaten so badly, he lost use of his legs.”

I guess we’ll just have to see what He does this election season.

Todd Kuhl is the senior political analyst at the New York based McCarthy Think Tank. He was also former senior political analyst of CNBC.

Here are some He-Man sightings sans photos.

APRIL 25 - EMILY saw He-Man walking on 27th and Park Avenue South. When a solicitor handed Him a flyer for a free hair cut, He-Man laughed at the idea of cutting His hair with scissors instead of a blow torch.

APRIL 28 - PATRICIA spotted He-Man inside a Quiznos on 23rd st. He was trying to convince the staff to let him toast a sedated saber toothed tiger he had captured.

APRIL 29 - DAN caught He-Man resting on a building at 25th and Lexington. The 200,000 ton structure immediately crumpled under His body pressure, causing Him to sarcastically remark about the “lack of back support” offered by newly designed skyscrapers.

MAY 1 - MOLLY saw He-Man at a local Pinkberry on 32nd st. After flirting with the server for ten minutes, He asked if she would give him a large for the price of a medium. She did.

MAY 2 - KEVIN spotted He-Man at the movie premiere of “Baby Mama”. Apparently, when Tina Fey refused to give Him “a look”, He erupted in a violent fury and threw Access Hollywood correspondent Nancy O’Dell through a sewer grate.

If you have any sightings or pictures, send them to FindHeMan@Gmail.com.

Fellow Hunters,

We’d like to take this time to stress the importance of your involvement in this operation, as we cannot succesfully track this man without your help.

If you live/work in the New York City area, we encourage you to keep your image capturing electronics handy and ready.

Good luck hunting.

-FindHeMan Staff

In an unexpected event, He-Man took to the streets yesterday and demonstrated the importance of traffic and safety laws.

“I’ve always thought that you teach by doing,” He told Bruce Collins, a reporter for “City Limits”, New York’s #1 blog on safety. “When I was a He-Boy, no one told me that you shouldn’t stare directly at the sun. Now I know that my mercury brain fumes may melt it and destroy the earth. Thank God that never happened.”

He-Man’s demonstration began on 23rd st and Park Ave, where He safely waited before walking across the street.

Sharing the importance of safety.

“You need to stay here until the orange hand goes away,” He instructed a crowd. “Otherwise vehicles will force impact and destroy you.” He then displayed the consequences of getting hit by a car and walked into moving traffic. However, with the body of a marble god and the strength of ten, the oncoming cab was immediately turned into a hot yellow liquid and washed over Him in the glistening sun. He-Man shrugged and encouraged the onlookers to bottle the liquid as souvenirs.

After his traffic lesson, He taught the crowd of New York tourists about protecting themselves in dangerous neighborhoods.

“Let’s say, hypothetically, you are being mugged. But not so fast: you’re exhausted so you can’t implode him with your high-frequency hiss and it’s too dark to blast him with your laser retinas. What do you do then?” A confused crowd stayed silent. He laughed and continued, “I know it’s tricky, but you need to be prepared for these situations. What you should do is grab his weapon, swallow it, and use your remaining strength to head butt him through his circulatory system. It’s a little advanced, but easy with some practice.” He then demonstrated on Bruce Collins, reporter for “City Limits”. His funeral will be held next Tuesday at St. Vartan’s Cathedral.

The safety tour ended at PinkBerry, where He-Man pressured the management to reward everyone in his group a free medium Pinkberry.

Sweet rewards for safe living.

“I just love Pinkberry,” He said with an increasing smile. He then suggested that everyone should be “Pink-wary” of the calorie content in each serving. After being met with a lukewarm response to his joke, He demonstrated the circulatory head-butt once again to each member of the crowd. Their joint funerals will be held next Wednesday at St. Michael’s Cathedral on 11th and Park ave.

Here are some reports that couldn’t catch his image:

APRIL 10 - DENNIS spotted He-Man in a Starbucks on Canal St. Disgusted by the dirty bathrooms, He physically threatened the barista to tell everyone the password for wireless internet.

APRIL 11 - MICA saw He-Man eating a cheeseburger on 34th and 7th. While no one is certain what was in the ground up patty, many speculate it is the body of that jerk mailman who never has any mail for Him.

APRIL 12 - STEPHEN saw He-Man in Union Square outside of Shoemania. Apparently He left in a storm when He found out they don’t carry size 52693HELLMETAL Pumas.

APRIL 13 - BRAD viewed He-Man on the 6 train at rush hour. Almost everyone in the car called the “See Something, Say Something” hot line and described the intricacies of his daunting quadriceps.

APRIL 15 - ASHRADEE spotted He-Man in a Pinkberry on Spring St and Lafayette. After sampling every flavor nearly three times, an indecisive He-Man just yanked a handful of pinapples and called it a day.

APRIL 17 - JENN saw He-Man at a drum circle in Washington Square Park playing the bongos. The instant His hand made contact with the rawhide, a huge blast erupted that cleared out most of NYU’s campus.

If YOU have any sightings, email them to FindHeMan@Gmail.com

By Harriet Schull, FHM’s newest gossip columnist.

Mase celebrated his return to music with a hit single; Napoleon celebrated his return to the throne with the Waterloo Campaign; He-Man celebrate His return to global domination with… new body wash?

“For as long as I can remember, he’s been using the blood of his rivals and the tears of their widows to get that squeaky clean and ready to start the day feel,” an anonymous source and close confidant of He-Man told us. “But we were in the toiletries aisle at the Walgreens on 23rd and Park Ave and something caught His eye.”

Making His way to the automatic doors.

He-Man allegedly picked up a bottle of Juniper Berry Breezes Body Wash, vaporized the safety seal with one look, then inhaled its fragrance so deeply that the next person who bought it returned it with the complaint, ‘Where the smell go? It don’t smell like nothing.’

Apparently caught He-Man’s attention

“[He-Man] got this dreamy look in His eye and started to hum an old prospector’s lullabye. He confessed later that He spent a very carefree summer at His Uncle’s in Eastern Montana and the smell of that Rocky Mountain Juniper transported him back to his youth,” He-Man’s confidant disclosed. “I mean, c’mon, who doesn’t get a little sentimental in springtime?”

He-Man’s mind was hardly made up. He faced a lengthy process to ensure the auspiciousness of His decision. First, He consulted an oracle, who divined that the cosmos willed it. Next, He spent 40 days and nights without food or water on the Staten Island Ferry where a hallucination involving a security guard saying ‘You can’t sleep here. Excuse me, sir. You’re not supposed to be here,’ confirmed that He was making the right decision. Finally, He-man sacrificed two foot-long meatball subs and a bag of Doritos to himself in order to gain His favor.

Certified Cosmetologist Angela Bertrand applauds He-Man’s brave decision. “A lot of people change body wash in the spring. See, you want your fall and winter body wash to soothe wind-chapped skin and your spring & summer body wash to reverse sun damage. So that was probably a factor,” she hypothesized. “I mean look at that skin tone. I know a baby’s bottom or two that would be jealous of that.” Angela added, pointing to an Anne Geddes desktop background.

Skin we would all die for.

And, of course, a new body wash means a new shower poof. “He had been using the decapitated head of a bear he grappled in a Greco-Roman death match. But that just didn’t go with Juniper Berry Breezes, so He picked up a baby blue shower poof,” He-Man’s anonymous cohort divulged. “He mentioned something casually about ‘adding a loofah to the mix’ but I don’t think he’s ready to commit to anything.”

“Did you know He can see a Magic Eye with just one eye?” He-Man’s childhood pal continued without prompt. “I will sell you this napkin. He used it today. You want this napkin He used today?”

He-fans should expect a decidedly fragrant brand of vengeance for the Spring 2008 season.

Harriet Schull is a renown gossip columnist and can be seen on the Style Channel’s “You Look Disgusting”.