W E W I L L F I N D H I M !

He-Man was spotted September 4th at Madison Square park in a surprisingly unheroic position; reading The New York Post.

Keeping up with the times

One had to question why He-Man would be wasting his time with such a boring activity, so unproductive towards global crises. Upon further investigation, it was revealed that He-Man had actually metaphysically traveled into the newspaper and was renegotiating current events. His first stop was the Bronx, where he prevented the rape of Lucinda John Peterson by making a quick detour to the comics section and unleashing Garfield, Snoopy, and Marmaduke upon the rapist who was quickly shredded into a fine pate.

The typically non-violent cartoon icons

He then made a leap from page 2 to page 3 where Presidential Candidate Rudy Giuliani was giving a press conference. He-Man tore off Mr. Giuliani’s left arm and beat his Public Relations agent Bob Matthews to a shiny pulp with it.

Before any security agent could be alerted, He-Man darted to the “Weird But True” section of the paper. This was the marriage of Dayton, Ohio native Robert Humphrey to “Juggles” the Horse. The two had been close since Juggles was a filly and had gradually grown to recognize the affection between them.

The happy couple pose for a photograph

He-Man enjoyed the heart warming ceremony and cried joyously when the couple embraced. He then tore off Robert’s arm and beat Juggles the Horse to a mangled pile.

After all the strain of these events, He-Man journeyed to a Snapple advertisement and enjoyed a crisp and refreshing “Go-Bananas” flavored Snapple. To conclude this strange journey, He-Man sipped Chateau Petrus with Steve Cuozzo, food critic for the New York Post, at a private castle. They discussed Russian literature and the national deficit as the Merlot eased their weary spirits. He-Man then ripped off his arm and beat all of Page Six to a juicy marinade.