W E W I L L F I N D H I M !

As many of you may know, a small explosion occurred outside the military recruiting office in Times Square on Thursday. Questions as to who could be responsible for the blast have proven to be somewhat inconclusive, until now. Some shocking new evidence has surfaced that has lead investigators in one direction. He-Man.

Investigator Robert Wilder, head of the blast’s investigation, was the first to stumble upon this discovery. When asked how he came across this finding, Mr. Wilder gave this statement:

“I was reviewing the security camera footage and I felt a burning sensation in the back of my eyes and deep within my temples, almost as if I was looking directly into the sun. So, I hit the pause button and that’s when I saw Him. It was He-Man.”

The camera was only able to capture a single frame of He-Man’s appearance. This image was sent to FHM after the discovery.

Undeniable proof.

This image has certainly answered the question as to who was responsible, but one question still remains. Why? There is no question that He-Man is capable of such a feat, but would He-Man do something like this? Through further investigations and the cooperation of Frances Pibkins, a local homeless man who witnessed the whole ordeal, investigators have come up with the answer.

Frances, reliving the moment in his mind.

Mr. Pibkins witnessed a young man standing outside the military recruiting office at around 3AM Thursday morning. The young man had a bag full of spray paints. He then proceeded to take the spray paints out and write offensive words and phrases on the concrete in front of the building. He did not get far for he was soon interrupted by none other then He-Man himself. Pibkins said,

“There was a terrible howlin’ wind and a flash of light and that’s when that jungle ghost man appeared. I knows what I saw.”

The young man, realizing he was no match for He-Man, dropped the bag of graffiti paints got on his bike and left. He-Man walked over to where the boy had written his words of hate and became infuriated. Mr. Pibkins,

“That jungle ghost looked down at them words and his eyes turned red like a fire. I knows what I saw.”

He-Man then realized that the area would be full of families with little children in only a few hours. Seeing words like this would leave a lasting impression. He-Man did what was necessary to rid Times Square of such outlandish words: He ripped the casing off a nearby traffic light control box and threw it on the ground. He tore off a lock of his hair with his bare hand and threw it in the box. He then shed a single tear into the box and closed it. He reached down and touched his fingertips to the concrete below his feet. The ground began to shake violently. In a flash, the box exploded, causing the concrete to crack and destroyed what remained of the paint. He took the bag of graffiti paints and disappeared as quickly as he came. Mr. Pibkins had this to say,

“And then God went boom! I knows what I saw.”

Those who were too slow to catch a snapshot.

MARCH 1 - DAN spotted He-Man at a FedEx store on Spring st and Lafayette. When told He couldn’t ship the severed head of a Chupacabra, He stormed out saying, “I guess I’ll just go to UPS.”

MARCH 3 - MOLLY viewed He-Man laying on a bench in Central Park. When someone mistook Him for a bum and tossed Him a nickel, He caught it in his sleep and threw it back at 100 mph. It shot through the man’s skin and murdered him dead.

MARCH 4 - EVAN got a glance of He-Man talking on a pay phone on 23rd and 2nd. We can only assume He was talking to either God, Jimmy Hoffa, or Rambo.

MARCH 6 - SHEILA caught He-Man trying on a new camo-suit at Dillards.

MARCH 8 - TODD saw He-Man at Virgin Records in Union Square. He was listening to the new Greatest Hits from Morrissey. He then subjected a terrified teen to a conversation about how his solo stuff beats The Smiths any day.

If YOU have any pictures or sightings, send them to FindHeMan@Gmail.com.

He-Man was seen in rare form last night: shopping on St. Mark’s place, where all the best bargains can be found on the hottest, custom-made New York “grabs”.

Poor quality picture, high quality goods.

Apparently this picture was taken seconds after leaving “WearYOTear”, a small store devoted to selling scarves and vintage hats, owned by a Mr. Roberto Caldwell.

He-Man threw ten assorted bandannas on the counter and looked at Mr. Caldwell. A customer transcribed the following interaction from memory:

HE-MAN: I want these.

ROBERTO CALDWELL: Those scarves? Those are nice scarves. Three dollars each.

He-Man then “slapped” Roberto with the mere force of his hand flying by his face, failing to make any true contact. This was He-Man’s way of saying, “Three bucks? Surely you can go lower.”

Mr. Caldwell wiped a line of blood off his chin;

ROBERTO CALDWELL: These bandannas? They come from Tuscany. I lose money if I sell them less than $3.

He-Man responded by grabbing Roberto’s glasses and crushing them into a tiny powder in his very hands. He then threw the powder into Roberto’s eyes, blinding him. This, we can only assume, is the equivalent of a normal bargain-hunter saying “$2 or I’m walking!”

But Caldwell stood his ground.

ROBERTO CALDWELL: (Swatting the air blindly) No! These were made by human hands in the finest of conditions! I couldn’t possibly! $3 or nothing!

He-Man was furious. What would be translated into complaining by a normal human being, He-Man smashed the glass counter with Roberto’s face, and then wrote “TERROR BY IGNORANCE” with Mr. Caldwell’s bloody head on the wall of the store. After that, He dropped Roberto to the ground, barely conscious. “Ok,” He-Man muttered in defeat. “You run a tough bargain.” He then purchased the bandannas from Roberto’s assistant, Gary, who silently completed the transaction.

So if you see He-Man sporting some new bloody bandannas, you know the full story.

If YOU have any He-Man sightings, send them to FindHeMan@Gmail.com

by Todd Weathers, FHM’s new gossip columnist.

According to Washington insiders and officials within the Cuban government, Castro stepped down only after securing He-Man to take his place. We here at Find He-Man find these rumors impossible to believe for several reasons.

For one, He-Man has never once wavered from his love of capitalism and the United States of America. Two, if he wanted public power, he could instantaneously win election in this country…. No matter what office was in question. And finally, He-Man is anti-smoking, why would he rule a country whose identity is wrapped up in cigars?

With the rumor mill unable to answer these seemingly obvious question, it is clear that He-Man isn’t going anywhere.

Don’t fear people, He-Man only wears red when coordinating his outfit.”

Todd Weathers is a world renown gossip columnist. He has written gossip articles for the New York Times, The Wall Street Journal, and The American Journalism Review.

We at FindHeMan.Com were awoken by an email alert that caught our attention:

The following is written by Dave Nicholson, a He-Man follower since the summer of 2002:

“Today, I email you friends from a dark corner in the basement of my building…Here I am safe; here it is silent. Or so I think.

I was walking down 2nd avenue to my daily coffee stand at 6:38 in the morning (My friend Charlie runs it always). I said hi to Charlie, the man who regularly sells me my coffee. It was cold; but not too cold. I was wearing a thin scarf and low cut socks. What a great day, I thought. What a great morning as well, I also thought.

Or so I thought.

All of a sudden, I heard a noise. A loud noise. I thought it was Charlie grunting, but it wasn’t. I looked at him; he had a smile on his face. What could it be? What could have happened? Was everything OK? What was about to happen?

I turned to the left. Nothing. I turned to the right. Guess who I saw? Or rather, WHAT I saw.

That’s right. He-Man.

I couldn’t believe my very eyes. I turned back to Charlie, but he had fleed. Luckily, he left my coffee that I had paid for.

I grabbed my coffee and started running. Left, right, left right. Turning around only to see if it was indeed the magical mystery man that was He-Man. I looked twice. It was Him, alright.

Now I know what you’re thinking, “Isn’t He supposed to be hibernating?” That’s what I thought too. But I guess these late, sunny February days have woken Him, and He’s ready for his reign on the city once again.

Take it from me, a terrified budget consolidator for a flashlight company, He’s out there. I repeat, He is out there.”

What does this mean? This means that our public tribute, like He-Man, is out of hibernation. Arm yourselves with cameras and video capturing devices, for you may be the next one out there to find He-Man.

Please send any and all accounts (reports, photographs, videos) of He-Man’s existence to FindHeMan@Gmail.com.

Many loyal FHM readers have been sending us thousands of emails a day complaining and begging for more accounts of He-Man’s existence. While we are annoyed with the overflow of our G-Mail, we do feel your concern. However, what we should have mentioned on the website is that our very own He-Man is in fact hibernating, as He does every winter.

Where is He hibernating, you may ask? That’s a very fair question, we do not know. He chooses a new spot every year to avoid petty fans and hunters. He-Man knows more than anyone that He needs his rest, so He can rise again when the weather is warm and the girls are ripe to be wooed.

FindHeMan.com will fully return as soon as He does from his dark fortress of rest. Hang in there, believers. We’ll be hunting soon.

This article was just forwarded to our office, proving once again that He-Man is looking out for the little man.

*From the Hell’s Kitchen Shopping Supplement

“One Man Still Listens”

When Molly Simmons of P.S. 143 in New York City realized she had left her backpack on the school bus, she knew she was once again destined to repeat the 5th grade. This would be the second time in two years that Molly let her carelessness ruin what chances she had at progressing with her classmates.

You see, Mr. D’Amato does not make exceptions with his due dates. Molly knew this fact all too well. Last year, caught up in the excitement of her 10th birthday (Double Digits and all) she left her diorama at home, “Right next to my bed” Molly recalls. And Molly could not reason with the man, “I tried to tell him that my mom could bring it right in, but he just shouted me quiet.”

D’Amato making an example of a slacker.

Therefore, when Molly stepped inside the elementary school building this past Friday, she knew something was off. She could survive without lunch or her Bratz dolls. It was that book report that she desperately needed and that was in her backpack, and that was still on the bus.

“At that point I didn’t know what to do,” Molly remembers, “I just sat down against my locker and began to cry.” Tears poured down her face, tears that in any other city would go unheard.

But ladies and gentlemen, this is New York City.

At the sound of innocence breaking, one man’s ears were able to hear the call, one He-Man. He-Man immediately rushed into action. “I was just waiting at a red light when it came up to the glass door,” recalls bus driver Edward Millard, “I didn’t want any trouble so I let the thing in.” He-Man then proceeded to rip the bus apart searching for whatever it was that would quell those tears. Finding the small backpack in the next to last seat, He-Man burst out the emergency door at the back of the bus.

He-Man, saving a little girl’s academic future.

“I was about to walk into Mr. D’Amato’s room, when the school’s doors burst open,” Molly excitedly reports, “I didn’t know who he was, but there he was, my backpack in his hand.” She didn’t know what to say, didn’t say anything in fact. He-Man handed in the backpack and then proceeded into Mr. D’Amato’s room where he lectured the man and his class on the importance of understanding and forgiveness. “I ended up getting an A on the report,” Molly says as she points to the refrigerator.

In a city populated by those who choose to block one another out with Ipods and cell phones, one man is still listening.

Until Next time,
James Forrester

James Forrester is a senior executive reporter for the Hell’s Kitchen Shopping Supplement.

With He-Man out of the public’s eye for a few weeks, we at FHM assumed He was on His regular October retreat to Malaysia. However, we were shocked to find in our mail box this morning a much more horrifying reality: He-Man is being trapped against His will.

How could anyone possibly keep this awe-inspiring specimen in any place under duress, you ask? Invisible Force Field Technology.

.

He-Man struggles to escape the see-through prison.

Apparently the United States government has been developing their Invisi-Field technology ever since WW2. As you can see, the force field is kept in place by a series of magnetic bars.

As we conducted more research on this tragic phenomenon, we found that the bars emit several billion electrons of Anti-He radiation, which is non-threatening to humans between the ages of 0 and 2,423. This is why anyone but He-Man can walk in and out as they please. Apparently heavily guarded soldiers constructed the weapon around He-Man at 3:30 pm last Tuesday, while he was taking a short nap in front of Hidden City Cafe. Outright brutality against He-Man hasn’t happened like this since the Tank Ramming of ‘87, leaving hundreds of soldiers dead and thirteen destroyed tanks.

Governer Eliot Spitzer has even gone so far to label He-Man a “terrorist threat”.

“People say (He-Man)’s all about the good fight, well just last month he threw a shoplifter on top of the Empire State Building, causing the spike to decapitate the poor man. Come to find out, He was a veteran.”

The Governor, giving the OK to trap He-Man.

We implore you, the followers and friends of He-Man to write your Congressperson, pressuring them to lift this inhumane cage off a wonderful creature and let him roam free throughout our parks and subway stations.

Here are some written accounts of He-Man’s existence:

 OCTOBER 7 - RACHEL spotted He-Man on Avenue A, tossing a cup of coffee into the garbage. Soon after, a bum grabbed it from the trash and took a sip. That bum is now a handsome businessman working for a political think tank.

OCTOBER 9 - DANIEL saw He-Man on 1st Ave between 3rd and 4th st entering Beth Israel Hospital. He delivered 80 babies in less than an hour.

OCTOBER 10 - GRACE noticed He-Man “sauntering” around St. Mark’s Place. We must take this as a fraudulent submission only because everyone knows He-Man never travels with a leisurely gait.

OCTOBER 12 - VICKI spotted He-Man on 23rd st and Lexington Avenue. He was standing outside of “Extreme Pita”, contemplating if it really was worth $9 for a pita and Snapple. It wasn’t.

OCTOBER 13 - MAURA saw He-Man outside of Madison Square Park, looking at human females passing by. Thinking it would impress them, he ripped every tree in the park out of the ground.

 If YOU have any He-Man sightings, be sure to send them to FindHeMan@Gmail.com

He-Man was seen this weekend exploring the vast, intricate tunnels underneath New York City. Seemingly confused, He wandered around, unsure as to what dragon or wizard this lair was home to. “I DEMAND YOU: SHOW YOURSELF AT ONCE!” He-Man howled, startling rush hour passengers at the West 4th street stop off the F Train.

He-Man, startling a unsuspecting commuter.

“TO WHOM ABIDES IN THESE BURROWS?” He-Man shouted at subway performer, Tom Shapp, furious that a being other than Himself lives in such a high quality labyrinth. Tom shrugged the question off, and continued to play an improvised song on his digital keyboard.

Finding no solid answers on the subway platform, He-Man darted into the dark canal for further insight. Coming upon a group of MTA construction workers, He-Man assumed they were soldiers who were trained to guard their master. He-Man wasted no time and liquefied the first wave immediately. Leaving one worker alive, He-Man threw him against the wall and pried him for information. “WHO DARES ASSEMBLE AN ARMY WITHIN THIS ELABORATE UNDERGROUND ENTANGLEMENT? CONFESS AT ONCE!” MTA employee Frank Hagen replied, “Go fuck yourself.” Enraged, He-Man skinned Hagen and turned him into a pair of leather pants (leather pants pictured)

Pants made from MTA employee-skin.

He continued on and finally found what he was looking for: the F train. He stood in the middle of the tracks as the train made its way towards Him. He moved not an inch. “Ok, big boy,” He said quietly, still believing this ordinary mode of transportation to be an underground king challenging He-Man’s authority, “It’s on.”

Seeing He-Man, the train conductor began to sound the horn. He-Man took this as a battle cry and shouted the loudest He-Howl the subway system has ever heard. MTA employees on 125th street in Harlem claim to have heard this at full volume.

As the train continued to head towards Him, He-Man ran at full speed. Within seconds, He-Man and the downtown F-Train collided, causing the train to crush into a 5 foot long block of metal, sending all the passengers flying and miraculously landing at all of their destinations safely. Except the conductor, who died instantly.

An overconfident train conductor seconds before his demise.

He-Man stood on the wreckage and shouted victorious. He now lives in the New York City Subway System, believing it to be his secret lair and not a commonly used way to get around. People just don’t have the heart to tell him.