Fellow Hunters,

We’d like to take this time to stress the importance of your involvement in this operation, as we cannot succesfully track this man without your help.

If you live/work in the New York City area, we encourage you to keep your image capturing electronics handy and ready.

Good luck hunting.

-FindHeMan Staff

In an unexpected event, He-Man took to the streets yesterday and demonstrated the importance of traffic and safety laws.

“I’ve always thought that you teach by doing,” He told Bruce Collins, a reporter for “City Limits”, New York’s #1 blog on safety. “When I was a He-Boy, no one told me that you shouldn’t stare directly at the sun. Now I know that my mercury brain fumes may melt it and destroy the earth. Thank God that never happened.”

He-Man’s demonstration began on 23rd st and Park Ave, where He safely waited before walking across the street.

Sharing the importance of safety.

“You need to stay here until the orange hand goes away,” He instructed a crowd. “Otherwise vehicles will force impact and destroy you.” He then displayed the consequences of getting hit by a car and walked into moving traffic. However, with the body of a marble god and the strength of ten, the oncoming cab was immediately turned into a hot yellow liquid and washed over Him in the glistening sun. He-Man shrugged and encouraged the onlookers to bottle the liquid as souvenirs.

After his traffic lesson, He taught the crowd of New York tourists about protecting themselves in dangerous neighborhoods.

“Let’s say, hypothetically, you are being mugged. But not so fast: you’re exhausted so you can’t implode him with your high-frequency hiss and it’s too dark to blast him with your laser retinas. What do you do then?” A confused crowd stayed silent. He laughed and continued, “I know it’s tricky, but you need to be prepared for these situations. What you should do is grab his weapon, swallow it, and use your remaining strength to head butt him through his circulatory system. It’s a little advanced, but easy with some practice.” He then demonstrated on Bruce Collins, reporter for “City Limits”. His funeral will be held next Tuesday at St. Vartan’s Cathedral.

The safety tour ended at PinkBerry, where He-Man pressured the management to reward everyone in his group a free medium Pinkberry.

Sweet rewards for safe living.

“I just love Pinkberry,” He said with an increasing smile. He then suggested that everyone should be “Pink-wary” of the calorie content in each serving. After being met with a lukewarm response to his joke, He demonstrated the circulatory head-butt once again to each member of the crowd. Their joint funerals will be held next Wednesday at St. Michael’s Cathedral on 11th and Park ave.

Here are some reports that couldn’t catch his image:

APRIL 10 - DENNIS spotted He-Man in a Starbucks on Canal St. Disgusted by the dirty bathrooms, He physically threatened the barista to tell everyone the password for wireless internet.

APRIL 11 - MICA saw He-Man eating a cheeseburger on 34th and 7th. While no one is certain what was in the ground up patty, many speculate it is the body of that jerk mailman who never has any mail for Him.

APRIL 12 - STEPHEN saw He-Man in Union Square outside of Shoemania. Apparently He left in a storm when He found out they don’t carry size 52693HELLMETAL Pumas.

APRIL 13 - BRAD viewed He-Man on the 6 train at rush hour. Almost everyone in the car called the “See Something, Say Something” hot line and described the intricacies of his daunting quadriceps.

APRIL 15 - ASHRADEE spotted He-Man in a Pinkberry on Spring St and Lafayette. After sampling every flavor nearly three times, an indecisive He-Man just yanked a handful of pinapples and called it a day.

APRIL 17 - JENN saw He-Man at a drum circle in Washington Square Park playing the bongos. The instant His hand made contact with the rawhide, a huge blast erupted that cleared out most of NYU’s campus.

If YOU have any sightings, email them to FindHeMan@Gmail.com

By Harriet Schull, FHM’s newest gossip columnist.

Mase celebrated his return to music with a hit single; Napoleon celebrated his return to the throne with the Waterloo Campaign; He-Man celebrate His return to global domination with… new body wash?

“For as long as I can remember, he’s been using the blood of his rivals and the tears of their widows to get that squeaky clean and ready to start the day feel,” an anonymous source and close confidant of He-Man told us. “But we were in the toiletries aisle at the Walgreens on 23rd and Park Ave and something caught His eye.”

Making His way to the automatic doors.

He-Man allegedly picked up a bottle of Juniper Berry Breezes Body Wash, vaporized the safety seal with one look, then inhaled its fragrance so deeply that the next person who bought it returned it with the complaint, ‘Where the smell go? It don’t smell like nothing.’

Apparently caught He-Man’s attention

“[He-Man] got this dreamy look in His eye and started to hum an old prospector’s lullabye. He confessed later that He spent a very carefree summer at His Uncle’s in Eastern Montana and the smell of that Rocky Mountain Juniper transported him back to his youth,” He-Man’s confidant disclosed. “I mean, c’mon, who doesn’t get a little sentimental in springtime?”

He-Man’s mind was hardly made up. He faced a lengthy process to ensure the auspiciousness of His decision. First, He consulted an oracle, who divined that the cosmos willed it. Next, He spent 40 days and nights without food or water on the Staten Island Ferry where a hallucination involving a security guard saying ‘You can’t sleep here. Excuse me, sir. You’re not supposed to be here,’ confirmed that He was making the right decision. Finally, He-man sacrificed two foot-long meatball subs and a bag of Doritos to himself in order to gain His favor.

Certified Cosmetologist Angela Bertrand applauds He-Man’s brave decision. “A lot of people change body wash in the spring. See, you want your fall and winter body wash to soothe wind-chapped skin and your spring & summer body wash to reverse sun damage. So that was probably a factor,” she hypothesized. “I mean look at that skin tone. I know a baby’s bottom or two that would be jealous of that.” Angela added, pointing to an Anne Geddes desktop background.

Skin we would all die for.

And, of course, a new body wash means a new shower poof. “He had been using the decapitated head of a bear he grappled in a Greco-Roman death match. But that just didn’t go with Juniper Berry Breezes, so He picked up a baby blue shower poof,” He-Man’s anonymous cohort divulged. “He mentioned something casually about ‘adding a loofah to the mix’ but I don’t think he’s ready to commit to anything.”

“Did you know He can see a Magic Eye with just one eye?” He-Man’s childhood pal continued without prompt. “I will sell you this napkin. He used it today. You want this napkin He used today?”

He-fans should expect a decidedly fragrant brand of vengeance for the Spring 2008 season.

Harriet Schull is a renown gossip columnist and can be seen on the Style Channel’s “You Look Disgusting”.

As many of you may know, a small explosion occurred outside the military recruiting office in Times Square on Thursday. Questions as to who could be responsible for the blast have proven to be somewhat inconclusive, until now. Some shocking new evidence has surfaced that has lead investigators in one direction. He-Man.

Investigator Robert Wilder, head of the blast’s investigation, was the first to stumble upon this discovery. When asked how he came across this finding, Mr. Wilder gave this statement:

“I was reviewing the security camera footage and I felt a burning sensation in the back of my eyes and deep within my temples, almost as if I was looking directly into the sun. So, I hit the pause button and that’s when I saw Him. It was He-Man.”

The camera was only able to capture a single frame of He-Man’s appearance. This image was sent to FHM after the discovery.

Undeniable proof.

This image has certainly answered the question as to who was responsible, but one question still remains. Why? There is no question that He-Man is capable of such a feat, but would He-Man do something like this? Through further investigations and the cooperation of Frances Pibkins, a local homeless man who witnessed the whole ordeal, investigators have come up with the answer.

Frances, reliving the moment in his mind.

Mr. Pibkins witnessed a young man standing outside the military recruiting office at around 3AM Thursday morning. The young man had a bag full of spray paints. He then proceeded to take the spray paints out and write offensive words and phrases on the concrete in front of the building. He did not get far for he was soon interrupted by none other then He-Man himself. Pibkins said,

“There was a terrible howlin’ wind and a flash of light and that’s when that jungle ghost man appeared. I knows what I saw.”

The young man, realizing he was no match for He-Man, dropped the bag of graffiti paints got on his bike and left. He-Man walked over to where the boy had written his words of hate and became infuriated. Mr. Pibkins,

“That jungle ghost looked down at them words and his eyes turned red like a fire. I knows what I saw.”

He-Man then realized that the area would be full of families with little children in only a few hours. Seeing words like this would leave a lasting impression. He-Man did what was necessary to rid Times Square of such outlandish words: He ripped the casing off a nearby traffic light control box and threw it on the ground. He tore off a lock of his hair with his bare hand and threw it in the box. He then shed a single tear into the box and closed it. He reached down and touched his fingertips to the concrete below his feet. The ground began to shake violently. In a flash, the box exploded, causing the concrete to crack and destroyed what remained of the paint. He took the bag of graffiti paints and disappeared as quickly as he came. Mr. Pibkins had this to say,

“And then God went boom! I knows what I saw.”

Those who were too slow to catch a snapshot.

MARCH 1 - DAN spotted He-Man at a FedEx store on Spring st and Lafayette. When told He couldn’t ship the severed head of a Chupacabra, He stormed out saying, “I guess I’ll just go to UPS.”

MARCH 3 - MOLLY viewed He-Man laying on a bench in Central Park. When someone mistook Him for a bum and tossed Him a nickel, He caught it in his sleep and threw it back at 100 mph. It shot through the man’s skin and murdered him dead.

MARCH 4 - EVAN got a glance of He-Man talking on a pay phone on 23rd and 2nd. We can only assume He was talking to either God, Jimmy Hoffa, or Rambo.

MARCH 6 - SHEILA caught He-Man trying on a new camo-suit at Dillards.

MARCH 8 - TODD saw He-Man at Virgin Records in Union Square. He was listening to the new Greatest Hits from Morrissey. He then subjected a terrified teen to a conversation about how his solo stuff beats The Smiths any day.

If YOU have any pictures or sightings, send them to FindHeMan@Gmail.com.

He-Man was seen in rare form last night: shopping on St. Mark’s place, where all the best bargains can be found on the hottest, custom-made New York “grabs”.

Poor quality picture, high quality goods.

Apparently this picture was taken seconds after leaving “WearYOTear”, a small store devoted to selling scarves and vintage hats, owned by a Mr. Roberto Caldwell.

He-Man threw ten assorted bandannas on the counter and looked at Mr. Caldwell. A customer transcribed the following interaction from memory:

HE-MAN: I want these.

ROBERTO CALDWELL: Those scarves? Those are nice scarves. Three dollars each.

He-Man then “slapped” Roberto with the mere force of his hand flying by his face, failing to make any true contact. This was He-Man’s way of saying, “Three bucks? Surely you can go lower.”

Mr. Caldwell wiped a line of blood off his chin;

ROBERTO CALDWELL: These bandannas? They come from Tuscany. I lose money if I sell them less than $3.

He-Man responded by grabbing Roberto’s glasses and crushing them into a tiny powder in his very hands. He then threw the powder into Roberto’s eyes, blinding him. This, we can only assume, is the equivalent of a normal bargain-hunter saying “$2 or I’m walking!”

But Caldwell stood his ground.

ROBERTO CALDWELL: (Swatting the air blindly) No! These were made by human hands in the finest of conditions! I couldn’t possibly! $3 or nothing!

He-Man was furious. What would be translated into complaining by a normal human being, He-Man smashed the glass counter with Roberto’s face, and then wrote “TERROR BY IGNORANCE” with Mr. Caldwell’s bloody head on the wall of the store. After that, He dropped Roberto to the ground, barely conscious. “Ok,” He-Man muttered in defeat. “You run a tough bargain.” He then purchased the bandannas from Roberto’s assistant, Gary, who silently completed the transaction.

So if you see He-Man sporting some new bloody bandannas, you know the full story.

If YOU have any He-Man sightings, send them to FindHeMan@Gmail.com

by Todd Weathers, FHM’s new gossip columnist.

According to Washington insiders and officials within the Cuban government, Castro stepped down only after securing He-Man to take his place. We here at Find He-Man find these rumors impossible to believe for several reasons.

For one, He-Man has never once wavered from his love of capitalism and the United States of America. Two, if he wanted public power, he could instantaneously win election in this country…. No matter what office was in question. And finally, He-Man is anti-smoking, why would he rule a country whose identity is wrapped up in cigars?

With the rumor mill unable to answer these seemingly obvious question, it is clear that He-Man isn’t going anywhere.

Don’t fear people, He-Man only wears red when coordinating his outfit.”

Todd Weathers is a world renown gossip columnist. He has written gossip articles for the New York Times, The Wall Street Journal, and The American Journalism Review.