Exclusive Charity Sighting: He-Man Protects Innocent

This article was just forwarded to our office, proving once again that He-Man is looking out for the little man.

*From the Hell’s Kitchen Shopping Supplement

“One Man Still Listens”

When Molly Simmons of P.S. 143 in New York City realized she had left her backpack on the school bus, she knew she was once again destined to repeat the 5th grade. This would be the second time in two years that Molly let her carelessness ruin what chances she had at progressing with her classmates.

You see, Mr. D’Amato does not make exceptions with his due dates. Molly knew this fact all too well. Last year, caught up in the excitement of her 10th birthday (Double Digits and all) she left her diorama at home, “Right next to my bed” Molly recalls. And Molly could not reason with the man, “I tried to tell him that my mom could bring it right in, but he just shouted me quiet.”

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D’Amato making an example of a slacker.

Therefore, when Molly stepped inside the elementary school building this past Friday, she knew something was off. She could survive without lunch or her Bratz dolls. It was that book report that she desperately needed and that was in her backpack, and that was still on the bus.

“At that point I didn’t know what to do,” Molly remembers, “I just sat down against my locker and began to cry.” Tears poured down her face, tears that in any other city would go unheard.

But ladies and gentlemen, this is New York City.

At the sound of innocence breaking, one man’s ears were able to hear the call, one He-Man. He-Man immediately rushed into action. “I was just waiting at a red light when it came up to the glass door,” recalls bus driver Edward Millard, “I didn’t want any trouble so I let the thing in.” He-Man then proceeded to rip the bus apart searching for whatever it was that would quell those tears. Finding the small backpack in the next to last seat, He-Man burst out the emergency door at the back of the bus.

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He-Man, saving a little girl’s academic future.

“I was about to walk into Mr. D’Amato’s room, when the school’s doors burst open,” Molly excitedly reports, “I didn’t know who he was, but there he was, my backpack in his hand.” She didn’t know what to say, didn’t say anything in fact. He-Man handed in the backpack and then proceeded into Mr. D’Amato’s room where he lectured the man and his class on the importance of understanding and forgiveness. “I ended up getting an A on the report,” Molly says as she points to the refrigerator.

In a city populated by those who choose to block one another out with Ipods and cell phones, one man is still listening.

Until Next time,
James Forrester

James Forrester is a senior executive reporter for the Hell’s Kitchen Shopping Supplement.

INJUSTICE: Government Traps He-Man in Force Field

With He-Man out of the public’s eye for a few weeks, we at FHM assumed He was on His regular October retreat to Malaysia. However, we were shocked to find in our mail box this morning a much more horrifying reality: He-Man is being trapped against His will.

How could anyone possibly keep this awe-inspiring specimen in any place under duress, you ask? Invisible Force Field Technology.

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He-Man struggles to escape the see-through prison.

Apparently the United States government has been developing their Invisi-Field technology ever since WW2. As you can see, the force field is kept in place by a series of magnetic bars.

As we conducted more research on this tragic phenomenon, we found that the bars emit several billion electrons of Anti-He radiation, which is non-threatening to humans between the ages of 0 and 2,423. This is why anyone but He-Man can walk in and out as they please. Apparently heavily guarded soldiers constructed the weapon around He-Man at 3:30 pm last Tuesday, while he was taking a short nap in front of Hidden City Cafe. Outright brutality against He-Man hasn’t happened like this since the Tank Ramming of ‘87, leaving hundreds of soldiers dead and thirteen destroyed tanks.

Governer Eliot Spitzer has even gone so far to label He-Man a “terrorist threat”.

“People say (He-Man)’s all about the good fight, well just last month he threw a shoplifter on top of the Empire State Building, causing the spike to decapitate the poor man. Come to find out, He was a veteran.”

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The Governor, giving the OK to trap He-Man.

We implore you, the followers and friends of He-Man to write your Congressperson, pressuring them to lift this inhumane cage off a wonderful creature and let him roam free throughout our parks and subway stations.

Sightings of the Week 10/7-10/13

Here are some written accounts of He-Man’s existence:

OCTOBER 7 - RACHEL spotted He-Man on Avenue A, tossing a cup of coffee into the garbage. Soon after, a bum grabbed it from the trash and took a sip. That bum is now a handsome businessman working for a political think tank.

OCTOBER 9 - DANIEL saw He-Man on 1st Ave between 3rd and 4th st entering Beth Israel Hospital. He delivered 80 babies in less than an hour.

OCTOBER 10 - GRACE noticed He-Man “sauntering” around St. Mark’s Place. We must take this as a fraudulent submission only because everyone knows He-Man never travels with a leisurely gait.

OCTOBER 12 - VICKI spotted He-Man on 23rd st and Lexington Avenue. He was standing outside of “Extreme Pita”, contemplating if it really was worth $9 for a pita and Snapple. It wasn’t.

OCTOBER 13 - MAURA saw He-Man outside of Madison Square Park, looking at human females passing by. Thinking it would impress them, he ripped every tree in the park out of the ground.

If YOU have any He-Man sightings, be sure to send them to FindHeMan@Gmail.com

SPECIAL REPORT: He-Man Infiltrates Underground Lair

He-Man was seen this weekend exploring the vast, intricate tunnels underneath New York City. Seemingly confused, He wandered around, unsure as to what dragon or wizard this lair was home to. “I DEMAND YOU: SHOW YOURSELF AT ONCE!” He-Man howled, startling rush hour passengers at the West 4th street stop off the F Train.

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He-Man, startling a unsuspecting commuter.

“TO WHOM ABIDES IN THESE BURROWS?” He-Man shouted at subway performer, Tom Shapp, furious that a being other than Himself lives in such a high quality labyrinth. Tom shrugged the question off, and continued to play an improvised song on his digital keyboard.

Finding no solid answers on the subway platform, He-Man darted into the dark canal for further insight. Coming upon a group of MTA construction workers, He-Man assumed they were soldiers who were trained to guard their master. He-Man wasted no time and liquefied the first wave immediately. Leaving one worker alive, He-Man threw him against the wall and pried him for information. “WHO DARES ASSEMBLE AN ARMY WITHIN THIS ELABORATE UNDERGROUND ENTANGLEMENT? CONFESS AT ONCE!” MTA employee Frank Hagen replied, “Go fuck yourself.” Enraged, He-Man skinned Hagen and turned him into a pair of leather pants (leather pants pictured)

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Pants made from MTA employee-skin.

He continued on and finally found what he was looking for: the F train. He stood in the middle of the tracks as the train made its way towards Him. He moved not an inch. “Ok, big boy,” He said quietly, still believing this ordinary mode of transportation to be an underground king challenging He-Man’s authority, “It’s on.”

Seeing He-Man, the train conductor began to sound the horn. He-Man took this as a battle cry and shouted the loudest He-Howl the subway system has ever heard. MTA employees on 125th street in Harlem claim to have heard this at full volume.

As the train continued to head towards Him, He-Man ran at full speed. Within seconds, He-Man and the downtown F-Train collided, causing the train to crush into a 5 foot long block of metal, sending all the passengers flying and miraculously landing at all of their destinations safely. Except the conductor, who died instantly.

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An overconfident train conductor seconds before his demise.

He-Man stood on the wreckage and shouted victorious. He now lives in the New York City Subway System, believing it to be his secret lair and not a commonly used way to get around. People just don’t have the heart to tell him.

Sightings of the Week 9/21-9/28

Here are some sightings minus visual proof:

SEPTEMBER 21 - PATRICK saw He-Man wandering around Penn Station. Apparently He was playing his favorite sport, “Train Strain”, where He pushes against moving trains until they come to a complete stop.

SEPTEMBER 23 - NATALIE spotted He-Man walking past Home Depot on w23rd with an open shirt. Upon his passing, every in-store power tool and device marketed to be “strong and powerful” bowed silently.

SEPTEMBER 24 - MARC spotted He-Man in Union Square today, hovering around the set of Law and Order. Apparently all the footage was ruined, as the cameramen would uncontrollably drift to He-Man during every take.

SEPTEMBER 25 - HILLARY saw He-Man on 30th st and 7th avenue from a bus full of tourists. Upon seeing him, the tourists demanded that the bus only follow He-Man for the rest of the sightseeing tour.

SEPTEMBER 27 - BRITNEY caught He-Man on 41st st at Au Bon Pain. Upon hearing just how much money the sandwich and Snapple He ordered was, he replied, ashamed, “I guess I’ll just go with a cup of minestrone then.”

If YOU have a He-Man sighting, send it to FindHeMan@Gmail.com!

He-Man's Posture Baffles Scientists and Defies Physics

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Seen at Union Square last Tuesday

Celebrated as planet Earth’s very own one-man firewall, He-man’s exploits have been the subjects of many a conference. Recently, a group of Chiropractors met to discuss the phenomenon that is He-man’s posture.

“It’s incredible. His backbone redefines straight,” Dr. Loren Kenning exclaimed. “You’d need an oil rig just to get a decent spinal tap out of that. The guy must’ve practiced with books on his head. Books chiseled into stone tablets. And their inscriptions are filled with lead. And the humidity index makes everything feel like two times heavier.” Dr. Kenning then fainted like a Southern Belle, causing the other Chiropractors at the conference to roll their eyes and talk about how “he always does that”.

One possible explanation is that gravity ‘knows wassup so it leave him alone,’ hypothesized a man we met on the subway who showed us a folded up napkin that said ‘doctor degree’ on it.

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Naturally, we couldn’t help but question this doctor’s legitamacy.

It is also probable that the effect of the Earth cowering with inadequacy beneath He-man’s every step creates a sensation of weightlessness, allowing He-man to saunter unfettered by petty cosmic forces.

“Something about that posture says, ‘I never worked a day in an office’” Carol Mayberry noted. Incorrect. He-man clocks about 20 hours as a Secretary of Offense at the Office of Roughhousing and Rampaging on 53rd st. Co-workers say he is hardworking and sociable. “The kind of guy who would say ‘aren’t you gonna recycle that? Just kidding.’ Then laugh, then recycle it.”

For He-man, every crosswalk is a runway and his unbeatable poise has caught the attention of the fashion world. Calvin Klein has launched a line of cargo boxer briefs. Both Lindsay Lohan and Justin Timberlake have been spotted toting prototypes of Fendi’s line of luxury handbags, designed to look like He-man’s ‘I just ripped off my t-shirt but instead of putting it in a drawer or donating it to Salvation Army, I will torture it by parading its impotence around town’ style.

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Lohan and Timberlake, jumping on the He-Man Bandwagon.

He-man has resisted tempting offers such as appearing as a panelist on Top Model and acting as a Maypole for Herbert Hoover High’s semi-annual jamboree for breast cancer and dry erase markers.

EXCLUSIVE RARITY: He-Man Masks His Chest

Recently, FindHeMan.com reader Jeremiah spotted an unexpectedly clad He-man in the middle of an early autumn Port Authority promenade. After a couple back alley interviews with anonymous sources and extensive overnight research, we have discovered that He-man is in the throes of a competition with a He-foe to see who can keep a shirt on longer.
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Attempting to Exist in Imprisoning Garments

The He-foe, identified as Thad Nguyen, the intergalactic menace with a penchant for fast women and nuclear weaponry, was unavailable for comment.

The competition has tried He-Man’s strength and spirits. Owing to a crippling allergy to farmer’s tans, He has not worn a shirt since he was a He-Lad. Earwitnesses have reported ultrasonic bellows of pain as He-Man’s immune system attempts to fight the parasitic shirt. He-Man was also spotted writhing in pain outside Pinkberry, crying “must…wear…shirt…”

Speculations are circulating in scholarly circles that the effect of the trespassing tee will be cocoon-like. They believe that after defeating his opponent, He-man will burst forth from his 92% cotton, 6% rayon, and 2% spandex cocoon with 17 previously undiscovered bicep muscles and a pair of fleece-lined pterodactyl wings.

He-man’s concealment of his signature torso led many followers to question their faith in God, Physics, and NBC’s Thursday night line-up. Said Fran Davis, a 46 year old flea market vendor, “The Office is getting too wishy-washy, and I thought My Name is Earl was a solid premise, but after seeing He-Man wearing clothes like a normal person, well who the hell knows anymore?”

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Loses it’s “edge” the more He-Man suits up

The post-victory unveiling of He-man’s torso is expected to be a star-studded affair.

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He-man, grimacing with pain, calls schoolyard pal Odin for some moral support.

Check out Jeremiah’s blog, Vanishing New York

Sightings of the Week 9/8-9/15

Those who were unable to preserve his glory with an image:

SEPTEMBER 9 - JEN saw He-Man on west 5th street and 6th avenue at 11:34 PM in a shouting match with a mailbox. Apparently the mailbox had been running his mouth all night long, and finally, as witnesses said, “the shit had hit the fan”.

SEPTEMBER 10 - VINNY spotted He-Man pacing back and forth in front of a bondage shop in the west village. Apparently He was debating whether or not to buy a new pair of leather pants. Admitting the price was rather high, He settled on a new pair of boots and a black rabbit hood.

SEPTEMBER 11 - HOWARD saw He-Man down at the World Trade Center, giving supportive high fives to those paying their respects.

SEPTEMBER 12 - LILLY caught He-Man on 9th st and Ave A, wearing a makeshift cape constructed from promotional Foo Fighters posters as well as Walmartopia advertisements.

SEPTEMBER 14 - SARAH saw He-Man slicking his hair back, using the fountain water at Madison Square Park. The once dull, dirty, water is now a sparkling lush blue, and is filled with rare tropical fish.

If YOU have any sightings, send them to FindHeMan@Gmail.com. Remember to always have your digital camera with you!

He-Man Rests His Body; Strengthens His Mind

He-Man was spotted September 4th at Madison Square park in a surprisingly unheroic position; reading The New York Post.

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Keeping up with the times

One had to question why He-Man would be wasting his time with such a boring activity, so unproductive towards global crises. Upon further investigation, it was revealed that He-Man had actually metaphysically traveled into the newspaper and was renegotiating current events. His first stop was the Bronx, where he prevented the rape of Lucinda John Peterson by making a quick detour to the comics section and unleashing Garfield, Snoopy, and Marmaduke upon the rapist who was quickly shredded into a fine pate.

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The typically non-violent cartoon icons

He then made a leap from page 2 to page 3 where Presidential Candidate Rudy Giuliani was giving a press conference. He-Man tore off Mr. Giuliani’s left arm and beat his Public Relations agent Bob Matthews to a shiny pulp with it.

Before any security agent could be alerted, He-Man darted to the “Weird But True” section of the paper. This was the marriage of Dayton, Ohio native Robert Humphrey to “Juggles” the Horse. The two had been close since Juggles was a filly and had gradually grown to recognize the affection between them.

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The happy couple pose for a photograph

He-Man enjoyed the heart warming ceremony and cried joyously when the couple embraced. He then tore off Robert’s arm and beat Juggles the Horse to a mangled pile.

After all the strain of these events, He-Man journeyed to a Snapple advertisement and enjoyed a crisp and refreshing “Go-Bananas” flavored Snapple. To conclude this strange journey, He-Man sipped Chateau Petrus with Steve Cuozzo, food critic for the New York Post, at a private castle. They discussed Russian literature and the national deficit as the Merlot eased their weary spirits. He-Man then ripped off his arm and beat all of Page Six to a juicy marinade.

He-Manimation

Animator Scott Bateman has made an animation based on He-Man. Take a look:

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=n50mIk0EH0w]

In our opinion, this embodies the He-Man experience more than any actual sighting.

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