Find He-Man

Under Construction

Tue, 23 Mar 2010 16:42:13 -0400

Please excuse our appearance while we re-design and re-launch Find He-Man.

THAT’S RIGHT, WE SAID “RE-LAUNCH”. FIND HE-MAN IS BACK!

Stay tuned…

SPECIAL REPORT: He-Man Travels Through Time Vortex

Sun, 05 Jul 2009 20:09:42 -0400

Today, He-Man was spotted in the south during the 1920’s in Union Square.

Taking in the mysterious visitor with caution.

He-Man was walking around Union Square when he saw a glowing ember inside of his favorite bush. He slowly walked up, only to get sucked into an alternate dimension: the 1920’s in the south.

Pictured here is Jezebel and Jackson speaking with He-Man about their favorite new jazz artists.

Jackson and Jezebel were overwhelmed by He-Man’s raw power, as well as his Reeboks, both of which they have never experienced.

He-Man Opens Up For Phantom Planet @ Irving Plaza

Sun, 28 Jun 2009 23:32:17 -0400

This week, He-Man was spotted hanging out in front of the legendary Irving Plaza.

Scoping it out.

Apparently His band CyberNeck is opening up for pop favorite Phantom Planet soon. He-Man’s attempt at crossing over to rock and roll has been met with hesitant cynicism, but let me say if He can crush a guitar solo the same way he can a skull, well then sign me up.

SPECIAL WELLNESS REPORT: He-Man Turns Urban Jungle Into Fitness Center

Tue, 16 Jun 2009 15:36:04 -0400

Today, He-Man was spotted working out on 23rd street. Not at the New York Sports Club, but rather at trendy new gym, Sidewalk.

Doing some reps.

Apparently He was invited to christen it’s brand new machines, including the “Construction Pull-Up Bars” and the “Really Heavy Trash Can Weights”.

He was spotted by hunter Josh, who He gave a “thumbs up” to after completing his 80,000th pushup.

After completing His work out, the gym is now open for free to all resident New Yorkers and visiting tourists.

If YOU have a He-Man sighting, send it to FindHeMan@Gmail.com!

FindHeMan featured in this week's New York Observer

Thu, 21 May 2009 12:50:08 -0400

This week, the New York Observer wrote an in depth article on He-Man and His fabled history, mentioning this site as an aid in His recent world-wide popularity.

See the article here.

And keep hunting!

EXCLUSIVE STYLE TRAVESTY REPORT: American Apparel Snubs He-Man

Thu, 30 Apr 2009 18:04:47 -0400

Today He-Man was spotted around NYU territory checking out summer fashions at American Apparel.

Without much experience shopping there, He wandered in because of his famous vows to purchase anything with “America” in the title. He currently owns every “America” the band vinyl, frequents theme park “Six Flags: America” and even bought a Kid Rock “American Badass” t-shirt, but later returned it because of the profanity.

He chose a few items of clothing and later tried them on. He left the dressing room with his head held low, seemingly ashamed. It appeared as though American Apparel’s high expectations for men and women’s bodies left him feeling self conscious about his muscle mass and 14-inch neck.

Accusations have been made to the designers of the store’s clothes about how the sizes are unrealistic for real people to fit in, especially those with giant, alien-like features.

He-Man was overheard complaining to a friend while leaving:

“I mean, you see those sexy models on the back of The Onion, and it makes you want to be sexy too. I just want to wear some leotards and long socks. Oh well.”

He then went to Pinkberry and ate his heart out.

I guess now we all know why he rarely ever wears a shirt.

If YOU have a He-Man sighting, send it along to FindHeMan@Gmail.com

He-Man's Giant Muscles Make Venti Starbucks Cup Look Like A Tall

Mon, 23 Feb 2009 10:01:00 -0500

This morning, He-Man was spotted walking out of Starbucks on 23rd and 3rd. It appeared He was handling a tall Starbucks cup.

BUT HE WASN’T.

Upon closer inspection by our team of photo analysts, He-Man is carrying a Venti size Starbucks cup. You see, His muscles are just so large and scary that in comparison, this giant Starbucks cup looks two sizes smaller.

Just take that cup in your mind and put it in the hand of that guy with a messenger bag behind Him. Looks bigger right? Right.

Also, we thought that was a mini cooper behind Him, but apparently that is in fact a bus.

If YOU have any He-Man sightings, send them to FindHeMan@Gmail.com!

BREAKING NEWS: He-Man Does Something Amazing Right...Behind That Blonde Lady

Sat, 20 Dec 2008 13:40:59 -0500

In a miraculous and possibly earth-shattering move, He-Man today committed an act of bravery and courage…right behind that woman who is grabbing her knee for some reason.

Look at the-hey, get out of the way.

Bystanders were heard saying “Wow!”, “I can’t believe He’s doing that!”, and “Ohmygosh!”, leading us no insight to what exactly was going on except that it was simply amazing.

We did, however, come to find out that this woman’s name is Sheila and that they just left an Outback Steakhouse. They also don’t respond to the universal hand signal for “get out of the way, I’m trying to take a picture”.

At the end of whatever it was He did, He bowed and said, “Thank you everyone for watching me do that thing that you will never see me do again. Hopefully you have captured it clearly in your mind or with a device that preserves unobstructed images.”

And then He destroyed Sheila for eating innocent animals at Outback.

If YOU have a He-Man sighting, send it to FindHeMan@Gmail.com. Also for the best prices on high quality meat with a party atmosphere, head on over to www.OutbackSteakHouse.com.

BREAKING NEWS: HE-MAN APPLIES FOR SMALL BUSINESS LOAN

Fri, 05 Dec 2008 12:58:17 -0500

He-Man was spotted this afternoon exiting an Amalgamated Bank on 23rd st. and 3rd ave today. Apparently He was applying for an SBA Microloan for His startup business.

With a plastic bag, possibly filled with a loan.

While His business severely underapps, sources around He-Man at the time of the meeting said it sounded like He was starting a small burrito restaurant, “kind of like Chipotle.” The terrified banker had no choice but to grant He-Man the loan, even though He had no sound business plan or long term goals.

“What about your two year fiscal projections?” The banker was overheard asking He-Man. To this inquiry He-Man hastilly put together a burrito with items from His pockets. After taking 5 minutes to make an unhealthy, unsanitary burrito, He-Man crossed his arms and replied braggingly, “All of my projections lead to zest.”

He-Man’s brand new burrito chain will open next spring in the west village. He is currently working on an enchillada that can cure blindness. I guess we’ll have to wait and see.

If YOU have any He-Man sightings or photographs, email them to FindHeMan@Gmail.com

BREAKING NEWS OF THE HEART: HE-MAN SEEN ESCORTING POWERFUL SEDUCTRESS WITH SEVEN SOULS OF FIRE

Sun, 23 Nov 2008 18:51:34 -0500

by Trudy Axford, Find He Man’s newest gossip columnist.

Today was a whirlwind of news for Ms. Axford, good hunters. I started my day with my Starbucks double shot, followed by a latte, followed up again with a red bull and vodka (keeps me regular)! At 9AM i dozed off into my usual trance and at around 11 I awoke to the sound of a picture slamming my desk. It was a PROOF of He-Man and a LOVE INTEREST! Now, if you aren’t living in a deep hole with layers of cement on top, you know that He-Man is a very picky lover. After his relationship with Helga: The Angel Princess of Steam ended badly, He’s been unwilling to let His giant heart out to anyone new.

BUT this picture depicted Him with a brand new flame:

On a casual walking date.

Yep! Sorry ladies: He-Man is taken again! But who is this mystery woman? At first, she appeared to be a no-name, but that won’t stop Ms. Trudy!

Apparently, her name is Evelyn and she’s a librarian. However, she moonlights as a seductress and possesses seven evil souls within her human frame. I know ladies, isn’t that always the story? It seems great guys never go for the Plain Jane with just one human soul that isn’t of wrath and fire. I blame the internet for allowing men to reach their fantasies so plainly.

I will be keeping my one good eye on this famous couple daily, and I urge you to as well! If there’s any sightings you may have, be sure to forward them on to FindHeMan@Gmail.com, and make the subject to me, Trudy Axford!

Do I hear wedding bells!?!?!

DEVELOPING STORY: HE-MAN IMPOSTORS TARNISH THE GOOD NAME OF HE-MAN

Thu, 16 Oct 2008 20:24:28 -0400

Today was a very emotionaly charged day for the FHM staff. We were sent this He-Man sighting at 2:29 PM EST:

“Dear Find He-Man,

My name is Kathy and I am a third grader at PS 143 on 43rd st. This morning we took a field trip to Grand Central Terminal to learn about the locomotives and the different types of sushi restaurants in the lower area. Just when we were being taught how to make a dragon roll, we all saw He-Man walking out of the bathroom!

“Look!” I said. “He-Man!”

We all looked and stopped making sushi. We saw He-Man and He looked nice. I love He-Man. I hear he likes Spongebob.

I went up to him and said, “Who’s your favorite Spongebob character?”

He looked at me and my class, squatted, and gave me the middle finger with both of his hands. He said “Eat my business.” And then walked off. And then gave us the middle finger again.

Through the tears, I took a picture of Him with my phone. Why would He-Man do this to me, FindHeMan.com? Why?!

Kathy Littleton, 5th grader.”

Of course we were stunned when we got this, so we looked into it. Apparently there is a He-Man impostor walking around town. Just take a look at this picture:

He’s even got the walk down.

You can clearly tell from His lack of physical prowess, the ill fitted non-boots, and more noticeably, the tattoo on his left arm. He-Man’s got no ink. Also, he never passes a Swatch store without having to at least browse.

So be on the lookout for the He-Poster, friends. Maybe He-Man will one day put an end to this fake’s impolite rampage

STRIKE REPORT: He-Man's Muscles May Be Giving In

Tue, 26 Aug 2008 13:14:32 -0400

It was reported several weeks ago that He-Man’s muscles were on strike for more public respect. We’ve just gotten word that His muscles just might be ready to come out once again.

The talks were conducted at a local Pinkberry between He-Man’s lawyer and his left bicep, the leader of the muscle union. He-Man did not interfere and ate a medium three topping Pinkberry.

Like this, but with two more toppings.

Apparently his lawyer, Anderson Buckley, made a deal with the muscles. Here are the major points:

A) Every other day, (HE-MAN) will oil His abs and torso for at least three hours.

B) (HE-MAN) will cut down on opening soda bottles with His pecs to impress girls.

C) He-Man’s muscles will not longer be forced into constant groping by females without their written consent.

D) In lieu of this, His muscles will come out fully three days a week, and partially for four.

We caught He-Man on one of his “partial muscle” days last week:

Hopefully this works out for both parties. This strike showed America just how important His muscles are.

He-Man Carries Several Galaxies In Summer Bag

Tue, 19 Aug 2008 18:14:07 -0400

He-Man was recently spotted by hunter “Clark” on Park Avenue and 18th street walking towards Union Square. He was carrying a light, casual bag that any normal person would throw in some clothes for the beach and call it a day.

Casual and soft.

However, He-Man was using it to carry several galaxies that He is currently holding onto for a friend.

“Yeah, these bags are surprisingly large on the inside,” He was heard raving to a friend. “The man at Target liked me, so he gave it to me at the discounted price, even though the sale ended yesterday.”

According to Clark, it seemed He-Man was carrying galaxies Neptracheous, ∞, and Drekton, along with a bottle of suntan lotion and a $5 Subway Footlong.

“It’s really made it a lot easier to carry along all my galaxies, and I usually just wrap each one in a towel so they don’t get scratched or nothin’,” He also was heard saying. “That way you can save space by keeping your galaxies safe and having a towel to dry off after taking a dip.”

He-Man’s muscles still appear to be on strike as well. Apparently they have expressed interest in talks but are being quite stubborn. More on that soon.

If YOU have any He-Man sightings, send them to FindHeMan@Gmail.com.

CHARITY ALERT: He-Man Takes Out Dying Girl For Frappuccino

Tue, 15 Jul 2008 13:43:40 -0400

He-Man was spotted last weekend, but not alone. He was courting a young sick girl whose one wish for the “Make-a-Wish” Foundation was to share stories and coffee smoothies with He-Man.

Erin Lampert had been a huge fan of the website ever since it began, and once she came down with Amyotrophic Choreoacanthocytosis, a very rare disease where your organs switch places with one another, she knew what she had to do.

“If I ever had a chance to meet He-Man, this was it,” Erin said from her hospital bed, as the effects of Amyotrophic Choreoacanthocytosis were in their fourth and final stage. “The Make-a-Wish Foundation was a big help in tracking down He-Man, drugging him with qualudes and antifreeze, and getting Him to come to Starbucks with me for a…date!” She giggled at the thought of her and He-Man on a date, and then coughed for several minutes, as laughter makes the effects of Amyotrophic Choreoacanthocytosis much worse.

At first, He-Man was reluctant to go. He thought it would make Him appear soft and silky. But His public relations agent, Brady Abner, assured Him it was the right move.

Brady Abner during his vacation to the Cayman Islands.

The two had a wonderful time at Starbucks, He even posed for a photograph:

An extremely rare moment for an extremely rare disease.

After that, they moved onto Pinkberry and shared a large Pinkberry with pineapples and blackberries. “This is the happiest day of my life,” Erin told us in a telephone interview after the meeting. “He-Man and Pinkberry. What more could a girl want?”

A treat as sweet as He-Man.

He-Man liked Erin so much he traveled inside of her body and murdered all traces of Amyotrophic Choreoacanthocytosis. However, He managed to knuckle-punch her lungs in the process, giving her a crippling rare form of Carnitine-Acyl-Defiency.

BREAKING NEWS: He-Man's Muscles Go On Strike

Wed, 02 Jul 2008 18:15:08 -0400

A struggling He-Man was sighted on the northwest side of Tompkins Square Park the other day. He was wearing what we have all come to know as His “shirt”.

A past occurrence in which He sported the foreign cloth.

Shirtless, but still carrying a shirt.

THIS time He was seen wearing the shirt, but not of His choice. He was forced to because his upper body muscles went on strike.

Just left of center, keeping His guns confined until further notice.

No news has surfaced as to why the famous biceps are going dark, but many speculate that it has to do with His popularity, and not the muscle’s popularity. While this may seem ridiculous, it is true that the muscles make He-Man a household name. Perhaps this is a good move that can bring fairness to other parts of His body.

Although, His abs did not agree with the actions of his upper body.

“Everyone knows the muscles are the most important part of He-Man”, His enormous six pack said in a press statement. “We don’t need more money or our own blog, that’s just the way life is. We’re all working for Him. Personally, I feel lucky.”

No word has been said if the muscles will keep holding out or if they’re ready to talk.

He-Man: Summer Movie Reviews 2008

Sat, 07 Jun 2008 13:46:26 -0400

Once a year, the Motion Picture Association of America has a screening with He-Man to see what He likes, dislikes, and what makes Him cry large tears of gasoline (yes he cries gasoline). We got the first word on His summer movie predictions from a fax sent by MPAA employee, Michael Fisher.

Note that while He-Man cannot safely express Himself in words (otherwise we would turn to sap), Michael Fisher has analyzed His recorded physical reactions.

“Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull”

FISHER: “This one was tough because it was immediately after He regained consciousness from the sedative we force fed Him. He was confused and furious, shouting phrases at the screen I couldn’t begin to understand. Although every time Shiah Labouf had a line, He sat quietly.”

FINAL CALL: Shia Labouf is gifted in a way past human comprehension.

“Iron Man”

Fisher: “He-Man was now fully relaxed when this film started. There have been rumors of He-Man being a huge fan of the Iron Man comic book, and his reaction confirmed. He remained calm for most of the film, although He started banging His head against his seat in delight when He saw the Captain America shield in the background. Many fans have said this hints at a Captain America movie. Apparently Captain America is He-Man’s favorite super hero and can’t wait for it to come out next year.”

Final Call: Didn’t seem to like it as much as He likes Shia Labouf, but He didn’t try to injure us when we replaced his feeding tube. That’s a good sign.

“What Happens in Vegas”

Fisher: “Here’s when things got bad. We never intended on actually showing Him the whole film, it was just a joke. But the opening credits was all it took. Once He saw Ashton Kutcher’s name followed by Cameron Diaz, He started punching His own teeth. Once his teeth became loose, he spit them out like bullets at an intense speed, splitting his chains with one shot each. With his chains free and a mouth full of loose teeth, He began shooting teeth into our researchers, causing wounds and even a few fatalities. We had no choice but to make a run for it. As we all dodged His rampage, He made his way to the projection booth. He didn’t hurt anyone else, but instead grabbed the “Vegas” reel and tore it to tiny, invisible bits. After it was completely destroyed, He looked around at the damaged laboratory and wounded researchers. He shook His head and mumbled, “What I did was bad. But what you were about to do to me is unspeakable.’

Final Call: I’ve never witnessed such careless violence from a subject. Be careful with this one.

He-Man’s movie reviews will continue soon after the San Diego Center for Entertainment Research is fully repaired.

Sightings Week 5/8-5/15

Thu, 15 May 2008 15:00:18 -0400

Here are some sightings that lack picture proof:

MAY 8 - ARNOLD saw He-Man at the South Street Seaport examining a street magician. Using His X-Ray vision, He saw that the magician was keeping a dove up his sleeve. “There’s a dove up his sleeve,” He told the annoyed spectators. “I can see there’s a dove.”

MAY 9 - BRIDGIT spotted He-Man at an H&M on w34th street applying for a job. Apparently He was confident about his references: The North Star, Hecca (Creator of Mother Earth), and Pete (shift supervisor at Applebees).

MAY 10 - HOLLY caught He-Man near a construction site on 38th and 8th this morning. He waited for the workers’ lunch break and then completed the 40 story building singlehandedly before they made it back.

MAY 11 - ADAM saw He-Man at Penn Station during rush hour. He was walking very slow, and everyone was perfectly OK with that.

MAY 13 - ANGELINA watched He-Man shop for furniture in Union Square. He asked the salesman if a La-Z-Boy Loveseat would be able to resist the heat of the sun’s surface. A confused but desperate furniture salesman smiled and said, “Yes.”

MAY 15 - DOUG also saw He-Man in Union Square. He was carrying the carcass of a man dressed in a suit who had “decieved his last customer”.

If YOU have any sightings or pictures, send them to FindHeMan@Gmail.com

He-Man Unveils New 2008 Muscle

Wed, 07 May 2008 12:27:56 -0400

Last Saturday, as if in a direct response to near perfect BBQ weather and definitely perfect park-your-car-and-blast-Reggaeton-music-from-a-tricked-out-stereo-system weather, He-Man unveiled the latest addition to His arsenal: a muscle on his back, colloquially known as “The Dorsal Fist.”

On Park Ave, showing off His new discovery.

He-Man’s Dorsal Fist was first discovered by Deborah Wilkinson, a masseuse He visits biweekly to relieve the minor aches and pains associated with carrying the fate of humanity on one’s shoulders.

“I was working on this knot in His neck He got after rescuing a box of kittens from a meth lab explosion, and all of a sudden this muscle came out of nowhere,” Deborah recalls. “I tried to work around it, but it kept electrocuting my hands. I mean it’s cute now, but when it gets older no ones gonna put up with that shit.” She then apologized for swearing and getting so worked up.

Deborah brought the muscle to the attention of He-Man who, overjoyed, called up a couple of pals from His Mahjong circle. “They showed up twenty minutes later with all these cigars and champagne and balloons. I couldn’t get them to leave. They ate all the Dum-Dums in the reception area.”

The Deputy Director of the Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco, Firearms, and Explosives has requested in a public statement that He-Man register his Dorsal Fist with the state department because it is “potentially threatening”.

James Beecher, Deputy Director of the ATFE.

It should be noted that everything He-Man owns has been flagged by the state department as “potentially threatening”; from His empty Big Gulp [category: Dual-Purpose Medium-Caliber Ballistic Body] to His elastic hair tie [category: Low Grade Minor Impact Anti-Aircraft Projectile]. It should also be noted that the only thing He-Man has ever registered with the state department is a complaint that “you are treading on thin ice.”

Ever a man of the people, He-Man allowed a team of scientists to perform a vivisection while He read The Sunday Times in one sitting. Scientists discovered that the so-called Dorsal Fist excretes ‘Vehemen,’ a rare hormone that signals the brain to produce awe, reverence, and bowl-clearing fear in anyone within a ten-mile radius.

Not everyone is happy about the newest addition to He-Man’s team. “It’s unnatural,” Barry Horowitz of the Society for the Truth About He-Man argued. “The Laws of Physics state that matter can be neither created nor destroyed.” He-Fans are inclined to recall The Battle of Alpha Centauri in which He-Man had the Laws of Physics in a Tonga Death Grip for two hours before it cried ‘Uncle.’

Presidential Hopefuls Ask For He-Man's Support

Sat, 03 May 2008 11:59:02 -0400

by Todd Kuhl, FindHeMan’s Political Analyst

It is clear that the race for the Democratic nominee will come down the wire. Each of the candidates is doing their best to build support going into the Democratic National Convention in August. No matter what though, it looks to be a bitter and devise battle in Denver. The media has been a buzz with this issue of “super-delegates,” and how they will decide this nomination, but what about the lesser known and strategically more important “Super-Super-Delegate”? Also known to people around the world, as He-man.

His single voice can sway the mood of the entire party. And it seems, in the last week, that Hillary and Barack are finally realizing who they need to kiss up to. Even McCain is attempting to pull He-man to his side of the fence.

“I haven’t decided one way or the other,” says He-Man, when I caught up with Him on the lower east side, where He was ripping down cell-phone towers, “Even though I tend to vote Democratic, like all He-men have in the past, I’ve got my ears open to each of the candidates.”

Barack responded quickly after hearing this, promising to, “cut pollution and provide tax breaks for middle class families, both normal and He-families.”

Hillary also responded, urging He-Man to, “help her build a bridge to the 22^nd century with His He-wisdom and He-vision.”

And, in a misguided effort, John McCain offered, “His first born son, and a pile of gold,” if He-Man would denounce the democrats and join in His victory.

“You know he’s probably just saying that,” said He-Man on McCain. “I’d like to actually see him deliver on inauguration day and send me that first born son. But he won’t.” He laughed and added, “Politics.”

No matter whom He-Man finally endorses, it is clear that His concerns lie in His community. “I want to end homelessness and get subsidized public housing built on the tops of mountains, so that my people can have their place in this great society,” said He-Man.

An indecisive He-Man grumbled to himself, “I’m staying in this election season.” His enormous hand scratched his silken locks. “None of them support any of my policies, such as more laws promoting public shirtlessness.” He shook His head. “And the last president that waged war against Odin was Franklin Delano Roosevelt, and he was beaten so badly, he lost use of his legs.”

I guess we’ll just have to see what He does this election season.

Todd Kuhl is the senior political analyst at the New York based McCarthy Think Tank. He was also former senior political analyst of CNBC.

Sightings of the Week 4/25-5/02

Fri, 02 May 2008 13:11:22 -0400

Here are some He-Man sightings sans photos.

APRIL 25 - EMILY saw He-Man walking on 27th and Park Avenue South. When a solicitor handed Him a flyer for a free hair cut, He-Man laughed at the idea of cutting His hair with scissors instead of a blow torch.

APRIL 28 - PATRICIA spotted He-Man inside a Quiznos on 23rd st. He was trying to convince the staff to let him toast a sedated saber toothed tiger he had captured.

APRIL 29 - DAN caught He-Man resting on a building at 25th and Lexington. The 200,000 ton structure immediately crumpled under His body pressure, causing Him to sarcastically remark about the “lack of back support” offered by newly designed skyscrapers.

MAY 1 - MOLLY saw He-Man at a local Pinkberry on 32nd st. After flirting with the server for ten minutes, He asked if she would give him a large for the price of a medium. She did.

MAY 2 - KEVIN spotted He-Man at the movie premiere of “Baby Mama”. Apparently, when Tina Fey refused to give Him “a look”, He erupted in a violent fury and threw Access Hollywood correspondent Nancy O’Dell through a sewer grate.

If you have any sightings or pictures, send them to FindHeMan@Gmail.com.